1- Making people happy…
Five American presidents went for a trip together in an airplane. They are Franklin, Einstein, Roosevelt, Clinton, and Bush.
While all the 5 presidents were traveling on the plane, and were talking about their happy life and experience, they started to show off time to time by turn.
First, President Franklin, took out a one dollar note, and threw it out of the windows plane. He, smilingly, told everyone that ‘‘You see? I now have helped a person to be happy’’.
Seeing this, Presidents Einstein, took out a twenty dollar note, and threw it out of the plane windows. He smiles, and told everyone that ‘‘You see? Now I can make 20 people feel happy.’’
Next, presidents Roosevelt, starting to feel that he might be embarrassed if he did not do anything immediately. Seeing this, he took his case and opened it, taking out a bunch of money of 500 dollars. Then, he threw the bunch of money out through the plane windows, and said. ‘‘You see? Now I can make 500 people feel happy.’’
Finally, President Clinton, realizing that he did not bring his own money with him felt that everyone was looking straight at him, expecting to see his turn for response. Suddenly, President Clinton took President Bush by the collar, and threw Bush out of the window and said. ‘‘You see? Now I can make the world feel happy.’’ 😀
2- A little pupil and a teacher…
A little pupil and a teacher in the class asked a question. He felt very glad to be the only pupil in the class to be able to answer the teacher’s question. After caming back from class, the boy came to meet his father. He felt very happy when he saw his father and started to boast to his father about that.The boy said:”Dad, today my teacher asked a question, and no one could answer it at all. Only me who raised the hand and answered bravely.”Then the father said, ”Aer, this is deserved to be my son.” He then asked, ”What was the question?”The boy said, the teacher just asked, ”Who got the zero mark?” then only him can answer. 😀
3- The king’s daughter
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic — anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.” The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. 😀Question: What was the object in the prince’s pants?
They were M&M’s of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?) 😀
4- Will You Marry Me??The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president’s secretary. After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara.”
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers, “No problem! I buy. I buy.”
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, “My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France.”
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis.”
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
“OK. I cut. I cut.” 😀
5- The Happy Couple
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: “When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs. There were also strange sounds at all hours. The man was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.One day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, his wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: “Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic and stated that when he died, he would dig his way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”
6- Four Nuns having the Weekend off
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.“However”, he said, “as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend.” The four nuns agree, and run off.Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “What did you do, Sister?” She replies, “I watched an R-rated movie.” The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, “You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.”The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest replies, “OK, what happened?” She says, “I was driving my brother’s car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it.”
The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, “You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.” The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “Out with it. What did you do?” She says, “Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street.”
The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, “God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water.” She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, “OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?”
The fourth nun replies, “I peed in the holy water…”
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
8- Learn to speak Chinese